Vodka Has No Carbs

And I saw my reflection...

2010-08-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

I've decided to stop dressing like Stevie Nicks.

Gross.

2010-03-16T09:38:00.001-07:00

Watch THIS.

Make your own damn Twinkie.

2010-01-12T09:52:00.000-08:00

"Eat all the junk food you want as long as you cook it yourself.”

That gets at a lot of our issues. I love French fries, and I also know if I ate French fries every day it would not be a good thing. One of our problems is that foods that are labor or money intensive have gotten very cheap and easy to procure. French fries are a great example. They are a tremendous pain to make. Wash the potatoes, fry potatoes, get rid of the oil, clean up the mess. If you made them yourself you’d have them about once a month, and that’s probably about right. The fact that labor has been removed from special occasion food has made us treat it as everyday food. One way to curb that and still enjoy those foods is to make them. Try to make your own Twinkie. I don’t even know if you can. I imagine it would be pretty difficult. How do you get the cream in there? - Michael Pollan

From HERE.

Doing it again.

2010-01-08T22:39:00.000-08:00

This is what I'm eating tomorrow:

B:
2 eggs
1 apple

L:
4 oz spicy tofu
12 oz salad
salsa
2 tb oil

d:
2 oz cheese
12 oz bean threads, etc.
8 oz cauliflower

Who's with me here? Don't make me do this alone because it SUCKS.

Skinny Girl Trick #1*

2010-01-08T20:38:00.000-08:00

*and by "Skinny" I mean still totally fat as of 8:39pm PST.

When you want to eat the unlimited free cookies, crackers, muffins, popcorn and granola bars your employer provides, instead paint your nails in your office. My nails are now pretty pretty pink.

fine fine fine

2010-01-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

ok, so tomorrow I am going to drastically change my food - in an attempt to get my shit together.

Here's what I'm eating.

b:
2 oz string cheese
8 oz pineapple

L:
2 eggs
12 oz salad
8 oz brussels sprouts
2 tb dressing

D:
12 oz bean threads, spinach, and tomatoes
2 oz cheese
8 oz carrots

It's going to be great. I am not going to gag.

And I'm going to be all Biggest Loser-style and lose 15 pounds by February 8.

Ok, let's hear it, JJ.

2010-01-06T20:18:00.000-08:00

And for the record, I ate like a trashcan today, so even if you had 3 donuts, you still did better than me.

It's back to miso tomorrow!

Tomorrow I blog

2010-01-05T23:09:00.000-08:00

...my fucking food.

I know I said I would yesterday but I blew it and I was too embarrassed to admit it. Today: repeat.

Tomorrow: success. And I'm going to blog my whole food day. Everything I eat is going to be listed.

JJ, I think we know what we need to do.

2010-01-05T21:23:00.001-08:00

Here we go.

2010-01-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

Everything about this photo makes me feel old. Backstory first: I pulled cheesecake out of the fridge a few minutes ago and then - YES - stood there with the plate and fork out and thought, "Really? No."

AND I PUT IT BACK. I actually put it back. It was miraculous bit of self-control, I tell you.

So this is my ridiculous breakfast (part of it).

1) Coffee with cream (in a mug with my dog's photo on it, no less). I want to move to green tea, but I am allowing myself one cup of coffee each morning for a while.
2) Various old people pills.
3) Miso soup.

Next I plan to make eggs or something. But seriously, the miso soup in the morning trick is kind of great. 35 calories in a packet (you see the contents of two here) and that salty/savory flavor really beats back cravings for something sweet for some reason. Plus, it's filling.

So there you have it. Day 1. Here we go. Oh - and for the most part, we had a dry NYE, so I feel like a million fucking bucks. No hangover, and no throwing up on your sweater (that I still have), JJ!

2010 makeover order of magnitude:

2009-12-26T12:31:00.000-08:00

This is what's going down in 2010.

I visited Dr. Brandith Irwin a few weeks ago to learn what I can be doing to have better skin as I age (I am 33). She recommended Skinmedica Age Defense Retinol Complex (use at night) and Skinmedica Vitamin C + E Complex So far, so good. The retinol is great, although I am not sure it's any better than THIS miracle worker. I am going to get the tiniest bit of Botox, and a little Juvederm to fill my angry "elevens" before that wrinkle problem gets out of hand.

Next, I need to re-work my crap-ass diet. Coffee out, green tea in. More chicken, barley, salads and no sugar. None. I just made a 1200 calorie a day meal plan and ordered the groceries I will need for that. Plus no alcohol for the first week to kickstart things. I am going to investigate the wonders of acai, and eat more leafy greens. For real this time.

Haircut by Mia Leicht at Seven in Seattle is working wonders. The CHI has also been nothing short of a revelation. Also, John Frieda Glaze is keeping things shiny and dark brown.

Once my super-zaftig body is under control, I feel a breast reduction in my future. This seems like the kind of project I will wonder later why I didn't do sooner.

Fuck the year of the tiger. This is the Year of the Makeover, dammit.

This shit is not easy.

2009-12-06T18:34:00.000-08:00

This shit sucks. Today was officially Not Good.

The update, friends, is that:
1. I lost 50 pounds and was on the right track to lose another 20 maybe.
2. I have been vegan since April.
3. I have been pretty diligent about going to bikram yoga 4- 5 times a week.

And then it all went down the shitter. I lost my magic. I began sorta noshing on things and now I'm up 10 pounds again. And still noshing. gfdamnit.

Today, even after your peptalk - eating.

dammmmmmnit.

Oh sweet Jesus, yes.

2009-10-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

HERE.

In my arsenal

2009-09-05T16:14:00.000-07:00

I've blogged about them before but ohmygod, I love these things:

Dr. Praeger's Tex Mex Veggie Burgers
Ingredients: Carrots, Black Beans, Onions, String Beans, Corn, Zucchini, Soybeans, Oat Bran, Peas, Red Pepper, Spinach, Expeller Pressed Canola Oil, Broccoli, Textured Soy Flour, Oat Fiber, Arrowroot, Jalepeno Peppers, Chili Powder, Garlic, Corn Meal, Corn Starch, Cilantro, Salt, Parsley, Black Pepper, All Natural Vegetable Gum.

I know it's engineered food but since you can actually SEE the whole soy beans and peas and broccoli in the patties it can't be bad. Plus, there are only 120 calories per patty. THAT'S IT.

I eat them bunless with tomatoes and mustard. Sometimes I wrap them in a lettuce leaf too.

Was this food made by assholes?

2009-08-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

I had an epiphany recently that my approach to shedding my fleshy ass has always been about, you know, minimum effort required. Or about stupid food ideas like Atkins. Atkins works, there is no doubt. It works for a while. But it's hard to maintain and it's hard to reconcile bacon and vodka for dinner when you decide at the tender age of 33 that your liver is something you might want to take better care of.

So I was emailing JJ about deciding to just try to eat "clean food" instead. You can't really get fat on salad provided you don't pour a bunch of General Mills shit on top of it, right? Seems like it isn't really that hard. So my new criteria for putting food in my mouth is to ask:

"Was this food made by assholes?"

I think this should do it. By nature it will exclude anything over-processed and engineered with the deadly trio of sugar/fat/salt. It will also make eating meat from not-nice growers easy to exclude.

We'll see how this goes.

You're out.

2009-07-27T20:51:00.001-07:00

Tara is my new bf.

We're going to scoot around in our pink bikinis trying to out-skin each other.

While you're in Italy?

2009-07-09T22:33:00.000-07:00

I'm floating my fat ass up to Alaska.

Everyone eats their way through a cruise, right? Free buffet! Free desserts! Nothing to do but lie on a chair and booze it!

NOT ME.

Seeins how I've lost 44 pounds, I am NOT gaining an ounce next week. I'm not eating one stupid thing on this cruise. And truthfully, why would I? I really doubt Holland America is bringing out the super high dollar grade A food for their mass consumption guests. Why would I want to binge on shit? And the idea of everyone gorging themselves on food for 7 days straight kinda makes me gag anyway. I'm going to take the high ground and eat my veggies and my grains and come back THINNER. Take that, Megan Fox. I bet you can't get thinner!

love,

J-to-the-J

I HAVE RIBS!

2009-05-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

<--- This is LIV TYLER. What? HOW? I don't know.

btw, bitch, why don't you throw up a post or two?

And you owe me a double date with that hot personal trainer we discussed.

And weren't you going to report back to me on how great your detox is going?

Get ON it.

Is this what 48 years old looks like?

2009-05-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be younger for some reason.

She is 117 pounds now. She lost 140 pounds!

I did the research (via goog) and discovered that 5'4 and 117 pounds means you get to eat between 1800 and 1900 calories a day.

um, bullshit. I am maintaining a 1200 to 1300 calorie a day vegan food plan and I AM IN NO DANGER OF BEING 117 POUNDS.

I am thinking about going back to bikram again. And having my jaw wired shut. Why doesn't anyone do that anymore? I would like to offer up some potential candidates to bring back the jaw-wired-shut trend.

urp.

2009-05-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

Dude, I am so full I might pop.

That photo above is baked cauliflower.

Tonight I ate:

2 Dr. Prager TexMex bean burgers with lettuce and tomatoes

cauliflower baked up in the oven

baked sweet potato cubes

So. Full.

Might. Die.

Low. Calorie.

The Evolution...

2009-05-10T20:13:00.001-07:00

Oh Keely Shaye Smith Brosnan, I feel your pain, girlfriend.

I might look like this, too.

I refuse to look at myself below the neck.

Is this really 145 pounds of Kirstie Alley?

I expect to look a t lot different at 145.

Probably more like this, the best I'm going to get...

(Some Cassidy chick in England? Never heard of of her.)

And then I'll get this skinny. After I'm dead and buried in the ground for 6 months.

And then...

Enjoy!

Reasons to Stay Fat

2009-04-29T20:11:00.001-07:00

1. It's way easier to shave my big round knees.

2. My wrinkles are nonexistent. I am plump and YOUNG, bitches.

3. Stretchy clothes are comfortable.

4. It feels good to be lazy and park it on the sofa to watch The Biggest Loser.

5. I don't need a lap - I don't have kids or anything and my dogs are small.

6. god made Spanx.

Reasons to NOT be Fat

1. I'd much rather have sex when I'm skinny and no one will be crushed underneath me.

2. People actually get to SEE my shaved knees, even with scabs, because I will wear hot little skirts.

3. My $500 over-the-knee boots will fit again.

4. I like having a JAWLINE.

5. People confuse me with Angelina Jolie.

6. Eleventy billion other reasons!! I am ready to be SKINNY AGAIN. OHMYGOD. TAKE AWAY THE FAT ALREADY! I HATE THIS WAITING GAME!!!

I love skinny

2009-04-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

but NO.

(Seriously LL, rib cage AND a crocheted dress?)

And my heart kind of breaks for the little idiot.

She needs a peanut butter cup and a friend.

Which is more disgusting?

2009-04-23T21:25:00.000-07:00

Saggy, hangy skin on my thighs

Saggy, hangy skin on my stomach?

Either way, I win.

The product that is going to change my life

2009-04-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

I just learned about these Skinny Jeans. They squeeze you in, carve out inner thighs AND come in sizes up to 18.

If my husband had a job, I would buy 3 pairs.

http://skinnyjeans.com/html/about.html

Check the proof! (If *only* I was this skinny)

There are a ton more skinnying photos on their website.

Live Blogging!

2009-04-14T21:03:00.001-07:00

Ladies (assuming), I am getting ready to eat this:

This is green beans fried in 2 tablespoons of olive oil.

I have extremely high expectations of this event.

**Update**

blah.

even with salt.

**UPDATE 2**

Apparently I am drunk because this shit's getting slightly more swallowable.

Hey

2009-04-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

Remember that time one time on Saturday when we talked about losing so much weight and getting totally skinny by our Vegas trip?

How's that going?

P.S. For some reason, I love Tori Spelling and I REALLY love eensy weensy Tori Spelling

Ooga Booga!

2009-04-13T18:34:00.001-07:00

Do you know what is the scariest thing on earth?

(other than the creepy divide between Pammy's implants)

Being hungry.

Why on earth does that ache in my stomach make me panic? As if I'm going to DIE if my stomach isn't full.

Seriously, today I got too hungry and then nearly knocked a woman down in my race to the food. That is not an exaggeration.

I was seriously so worked up that I almost knocked an old woman DOWN.

In re. JJ v. Boobs

2009-03-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

I hate my boobs. I love my boobs.

I don't not want them. They are great sometimes - like in a really low cut dress. They can pretty much stop traffic some nights.

But they drive me nuts.

I am already, officially, even in Banana Republic sizes, NOT SMALL. But things that should fit *do not fit* and it's mostly because of the jugs (I have to give the backfat a little love here too.)

woe woe woe. Big boobs is such a problem, yes? Dolly Parton. Pam Anderson. Holly Madison. I mean, clearly my career success is based on my boobs. But what a pain they are.

On the flip side, when I am skinny the boobs DEFLATE - like into a puddle of skin, like pick them up as you would a kitten, by the scruff of the neck.

As I have been losing my weight again (what? doesn't everyone gain 40 pounds each fall?) I am watching the girls slowly slide away, towards the ground.

::hissssssssssssssssssssssssss::

My new diet

2009-03-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

Drink so much vodka Saturday night that I am sick for at least a week. Voila. Insta-thin.

Oranges are like a fucking diet superfood.

2009-02-23T22:20:00.000-08:00

Why? 85 calories and it took me like 1 hour to peel and consume. Those bitches are work! I am too tired now to hold a spoon and dig into the ice cream I was planning to eat.

Fucking oranges.

Love letters.

2009-02-18T22:19:00.000-08:00

Real email exchange between us today:

JJ: 9:13 PM (1 hour ago)
SUBJECT: New diet food

Get frozen okra. defrost. Put it in a skillet with a pat of butter or a good glug of olive oil. Cook the crap out of it! Seriously, cook it until all the okra slime is gone and it's crispy and almost black. Grind salt over the top (from the special salt grinder I bought when we were in San Francisco and that reminds me of you).

FUCKING DELICIOUS.
No fatty carbs - only veggie carbs.

Decorno: 10:19 PM
SUBJECT: re: New diet food

Jesus christ. I totally lost my hard-on as soon as you said, "Frozen okra." I didn't even read the rest of this. You're just trying to crush my soul. Fuck you and the 15 pounds you have lost.

And I say that with love.

From the Desk of...

2009-02-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

Things I hate

1. Necklaces that create rolls of fat.

Fuck you necklaces.

2. Slash-style pants pockets that bulge out and create unflattering lumps of what appear to be more rolls of fat.

Fuck you slash pockets.

3. Panties that shimmy down and almost fall beneath the hem of your skirt while you're walking into work so that you have to take tiny baby steps with your thighs glued together until you can pop into the bathroom to remove them.

Fuck you panties.

ugh. double ugh.

2009-02-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

You know what I'm sick of?

1. cooking. I have cooked up a week's worth of chicken, a ranch's worth of beef and endless salads. (Yes, I consider making salads to be cooking. Don't fuck with me. I'm off peanut butter cups and this whole ship could blow at the slightest provocation.) My house stinks of burned flesh. I am sick of cooking. And I'm sick of figuring out a vegetable to eat. What's the point of vegetables anyway? Why don't they taste AWESOME? I can say I like baked cauliflower but let's be honest, it's not fabulous. I mean, it's fabulous as far as vegetables go, but seriously, Not Fabulous.

You know what else I'm sick of?

2. cleaning. Cooking means dishes. And when you burn everything to a tasty

crisp, every single fucking dish has to be cleaned with like steel wool (which is basically an extra workout so I should shut the hell up.) I am running the dishwasher every single day and sometimes TWICE a day depending on how ever many science experiments I conduct over the course of a day. Sick of it. Done. Over it.

I want a cook and a maid. And Jozette, if you're reading this, I would take Sawyer first. Except right now imagining Sawyer delivering me a piping hot dinner of hamburger patty and tomatoes ENRAGES ME, and his smirky fuckface attitude makes me even madder so I think I would slap him and then fire him (a la Miz Helmsley). And then I would hire Jack to bring me eggs in the morning and I would feel sorry for him because he used to be so cute and now he's a whiny little bitch that doesn't deserve any action at all. I would let him make my eggs and my baked cauliflower (and clean up afterwards, natch) and I would happily eat it because I'd think, "Poor Jack. What a pathetic loser. I'm so much better than him even if I can only eat chicken and salad." (Fortunately, my husband is smoking hot so I can sleep with him and won't need whinypants for anything other than cooking and cleaning.)

And now I feel so much better that I can go to bed. After I finish the dishes.

We're doing it.

2009-02-05T22:08:00.001-08:00

Jen and I are cutting the fat.

Since I've been back on my food plan I've lost 12.5 pounds. I know it's water weight and the weight of the hair I shaved off my legs and I. don't. care.

40 more pounds to happy slut times!

P.S. I'm not going to attribute any of my success to hot yoga but I will say that I've been 4 times in the last week. mm hmmm.

oh, I also played soccer once but since I started a fight during that game, I'm not counting it as exercise.

oops.

2009-01-26T23:19:00.000-08:00

Looks like I ain't the only one. thank god.

oh, guess what

2009-01-24T22:55:00.001-08:00

I got fatter.

JJ -

2009-01-17T16:31:00.000-08:00

Is this what you will wear?

I'm going back to Cabo

2009-01-08T17:40:00.000-08:00

Reason #1 to lose the gdmf weight

Reason #2 to lose the gdmf weight

Reasons courtesy of Boston Proper. Who knew?

there's this thing

2009-01-07T14:21:00.000-08:00

So, blah blah blah a push up is the best possible workout for you because it works your arms, your shoulders, your abs, your back and your toes or something. And this website thinks it can coach you into 100 pushups (of any variety) in six short weeks.

www.hundredpushups.com

I took the initial exhaustion test.

FIVE.

Five pushups from my KNEES. gah.

But I'm going to follow the prescribed workout and see what I can do in six weeks. Really.

I also joined the Discovery Health Challenge.

AND watched The Biggest Loser Couples.

I should be 120 by Valentine's Day.

Don't be jealous.

it's not all doom and gloom

2009-01-07T14:16:00.000-08:00

I have thin:

fingers (size 4.5)

wrists

ankles

feet

nails

hair

birthing canal

skin

I forgot about those fucking calorie thingies

2009-01-05T17:32:00.001-08:00

It's a tragic day. I finally weighed myself.

After literally two months of eating and eating and bingeing and starting over and bingeing and "not caring" and desperately wishing I was already thin, I finally weighed today and it's Not Pretty. I didn't gain my entire 30 pounds back - only 24. FUCK!

I went onto Fitday and pumped in yesterday's calories and they were a whopping 3000ish. what the hell?

I was shocked to learn that my brie snack was 500 calories! FIVE HUNDRED! what?

And that's when I realized that most people actually watch calories. They "watch what they eat" in terms of calories, not like me, watching chunk after chunk of brie slide down the gullet. damn.

Last night I pulled out photos of myself from 2004 when I was skinny and my Gwyneth jeans hung off me. I made my man look at them with me and tell me each time how smokin' hot I was. After my trip down memory lane and the weigh-in this morning, I was more motivated than I have been in MONTHS. I ate a 200 calorie breakfast and just now had a grapefruit for a snack. I *know* how to do this, I've just chosen not to in the past. I used all that nasty grubby food to make me feel better, entertain me, punish myself for eating, etc. And now I'm not.

And I swear to god, this is not a resolution thing. I haven't even told my man that I'm more motivated than ever because I don't want to set myself up for failure. I'm just *actually* doing better.

Yes, I'm craving butterscotch chips right now (which is bizarre and maybe I am pregnant or something) but I don't need to eat them.

This summer we are going to whatever hot club your iphone points us to and we're picking up guys.

Here's how to help your self esteem barely limp along.

2008-11-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Decide that it's a good idea to have a lazy morning on the couch where you're wearing crunchy and stinky 3-day-old yoga pants and a hoodie with dog hair all over you, with mascara smeared on your face because you were too lazy to wash last night before bed. Add to this your paunchy gut that you are filling with vats of coffee. Then watch The Hills. Decide that at 31 you want to watch these vapid, tan, lithe young things flit around LA wearing adorable little barely-there tunics and lip gloss.

I feel great.

I am fat elvis

2008-10-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

I am currently fighting with Peanut Butter.

FYI - diabetic peanut butter tastes just like you would expect - peanut shells minus the good peanutty flavor. Net: dirt.

Befores and Afters

2008-10-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

I was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself for eating a half cup of cottage cheese and 6 oz of pineapple and I tripped over this slideshow on MSN. There are some amazing fat-to-skinny photos in it!

http://health.msn.com/weight-loss/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100217005&imageindex=1

It kinds pisses me of that I have a whole new set of Before and After photos to take. Today to Lohan-size. Such a pain in the ass.

At least I don't feel sad about my measly breakfast now that I've looked at this slideshow. I think I'm going to pop into the 'hood pilates studio and check it out...

my new plan

2008-10-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

US Weekly reports that Jessica Alba works out one hour a day, six days a week and burns approximately 500 calories during each session. This is my new goal. (Oh, and the kid sucks out another 500 calories during breastfeeding supposedly.)

Speaking of things, was this the Lohan you loved? All fashiony and shit? Because I am loving it too. I had forgotten how thin she was.

Why does Lohan look sick but Nicole look normal? Am I just used to her being all freaky thin now?

I still have the secret you know...STOP EATING.

...

2008-10-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

I have EIGHT weeks to get into this shit.

I am pretty sure there's only one way to get Blair Waldorf-thin and I cannot seem to do it.

In my way:

sugar-free fudgesicles

lack of exercise

general fatigue

anger

bad attitude

Meerkats

9 hours of computer work per day

business travel

fear

Can you please whip me into shape (literally)?

I am getting new stretch marks.

2008-10-07T20:55:00.000-07:00

It's no lie. On my hips.

Also, guess what I had for dinner? 2 margaritas and an english muffin with butter and cinnamon and sugar.

I am so totally off my game. Holy shit.

This is what I am after.

2008-09-01T11:57:00.001-07:00

Boobs, check. Everything else, not so much.

Suck it, skinny people.

2008-08-19T17:21:00.001-07:00

Read this.

maybe.

2008-08-17T11:49:00.001-07:00

oh are you fucking kidding me?

2008-08-16T12:43:00.001-07:00

I have been 167, 167.5, 165, 167 for the last week. I want to kill someone. What is wrong with my fat ass? I want this shit GONE.

And now, it looks like I am going to have a Pamela Anderson Lee Rock Lee Solomon Lee bikini wedding in Mexico at the end of the year. How do I put this poundage in a swimsuit and expose it to friends and family?

I need some sort of bootcamp.

I need a boob job.

I need meth.

That venti latte looks great with your venti ass.

2008-07-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

20 ounces??? Are people serious?

First, unless it's booze, why bother drinking your calories.

Second, that much milk is sick. Totally sick. It will fuck up your body and it's just a waste of calories.

Lattes are gross. Stop drinking them immediately. (Same for mochas and every other deviant form of steamed milk concoction.)

Day 16: This shit continues to be easy.

2008-07-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

Day 13 and 14 I had a bit of a slip. I got inexplicably sick and kind of projectile vomited. I ended up having a bunch of chips at a Mexican place. I needed to settle the stomach, people. And following day, I had some popcorn. BUT, still no sugar (as far as I know... who knows what was lurking in the chips).

Anyhoo, it's easy. It's inertia, you know. Bodies in motion tend to stay in motion, and this is what habits are like. This is simply my new habit of not eating crap.

I have lost only six pounds, though. I might need to add some exercise, or better yet, cut my portions down a bit. And maybe, give up the beloved wine and vodka.

Day 6. This shit is easy.

2008-07-19T10:57:00.001-07:00

What I like about JJ is when she gets on a roll with her whole strict eating thing, she hits this weird zen paleau where she's like, "This shit is easy."

Well, I have finally - after probably 3 years of thinking I am actually going to drop a few lbs - hit at point.

This shit is easy.

It's so hard to kick sugar. For me anyway. I am like a crack addict when it comes to sugar. But once it's out of your system for a while, it's like total freedom. No joke.

I sometimes get really, really, really hungry. But then inxplicable, I want like half an avocado or something. Not Ho Hos. This is progress, people.

my secret weapon

2008-07-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

This is my go-to meal: cooked pepperonis.

So, it's not organic and all natural but after a hard day of ruining lives as an attorney I don't want to COOK a damn thing because all I want to do is evaporate. But since I have to eat I throw pepperonis on a paper towel and microwave them until they are crispy like chips. I weigh out 2 oz of them (which ends up being a ton of food) and sprinkle some red sauce and 1 oz of cheese (then reheat).

I also add a salad or cooked veggies to my meal and call it a day.

Day 3, no sugar.

2008-07-17T12:18:00.001-07:00

So, yeah. Fell off wagon, now back on. This time for realz, yo.

I feel so lightheaded that I don't even feel hungry. Yay! Hardly eating any food does a body good.

Concentration way up. I do like that side effect of the no-sugar game.

I am hoping for that other side effect, though: the one where I can shimmy my ass back into my "skinny" jeans. I say 2.5 months, tops.

This 62 year old is way hotter than me.

2008-07-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Helen Mirren, go to hell.

I mean, way to rock that bikini.

A heartfelt FUCK YOU to all the people who bring cake to work and leave it in the office kitchen.

2008-07-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

Thanks. I was trying to get back on track, and I was dying to eat some crappy food from, say, Starbucks, land of the 500 calorie cookie, but NO. I showed a rare bit of self control, high-tailed it to the office kitchen to drink another exciting cup of coffee and I see your fucking half-eaten cake just sitting undefended on the table.

Well, guess what? FUCK YOU. Fuck you and your cake. Seriously.

I didn't eat the cake, for the record. I stayed strong while thinking, "Fuck you, cake."

Oh, and guess what else? Fuck cakes like this one. Fuck that cheesy circa 2001 fondant-coated-topsy-turvy cake bullshit. Fuck you, crazy cakes.

I know, I know

2008-06-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not supposed to love this body. I'm supposed to like the old, "chubby" Kristen. That's the right thing to do. I'm supposed to say, "ohmygod! You're too skinny! Eat something!"

I looooove this body. I WANT this body. Please, tell me I'm too skinny and I need to eat something. Because when you say that I am going to go all mushy inside and love you forever.

Day Two: My pep-talk from JJ

2008-06-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

JJ emails this to me:

"...So, suck it up. Think of all the miserable shit you do! [She is not kidding. I had a job that made me miserable for two years straight and I didn't quit. I did grind my teeth and fuck them up, though. Hooray for me! -d]

You can crank this out for two weeks and kick start your weight loss.

You've already lost one pound and nine more are antsy to hit the road. Seriously, once you've lost 10 (or even 5) you're going to feel so fucking good about doing this that you're going to really bear down and lose another 10. Truuuuuuuuust me. I've done this (multiple times.)

What are you eating for lunch?

What are you eating for dinner?

And I responded (since you asked in comments in the last post):

"Ok – so today I had coffee with a little half and half
Lunch was 2 small scoops of cottage cheese
A piece of salmon
A small salad with about 10 black olives, a few slices of onion, about a tbsp of grated parm cheese and fancy lettuce
NO BROWN RICE. It wasn’t even heartbreaking to walk past it. I was all, “Go to hell brown rice.” And that was that.
For dinner we are going to dinner at some restaurant for the mother-in-law's b-day. So I am going to ask for grilled fish, which I know they can do."

So there you have it. I am actually not that hungry right now. Maybe that means I ate too much?

I had that "I'm burning fat" stinky breath last night (do you get that, JJ?), so I know something good is happening. I also tried on my skinny jeans. What a terrible, terrible sight that was. No matter. I will be back in them in 2 months.

Day One.

2008-06-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

So, here I go.

Dude, I want to wear Fashion again... yes, that's fashion with a capital F. Even 15 pounds ago when I was pushing acceptable limits of body size, I still had something of a waist. It's gone, JJ. You know this. I am the Kirstie Alley who eats croissants between meals.

So, here I go. I can't go to hot yoga tonight because I have a company party thing. So, my goal is to not eat crap.

And so far today, I have had coffee with 1/2 & 1/2. Can I put 1/2 & 1/2 in my coffee?

Boss me around. I need to attend your weight loss boot camp. I am determined to start wearing real clothes again. And soon.

I am going to start working on that I-eat-nothing moral superiority that you have, and that is working for you. (That's not slam against you, friend. I like it when you get militant about your eating. The whole "I eat clean, you pigs do not" thing appeals to my bitchy side. I need to put it to good use like you, kid.)

You asked: Typical Food Day

2008-06-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

This is what I ate yesterday:

breakfast:
2 eggs
grapefruit

lunch:
4 oz homemade taco beef
12 oz of lettuce, raw spinach, tomatoes, onions, cabbage
1/2 cup salsa
1 tb of ranch dressing

dinner:
4 oz grilled chicken
4 oz of grilled zucchini slices
1 oz of canned beets (without sugar)
3 oz of sliced tomatoes

1 oz of wheat germ (+ cinnamon)
2 tb of butter

When I have plugged this info into a calorie counter it's right around 1200ish.

I am not starving, I'm not eating "low carb" really (because of all the veggies) and I swear to god I am not hungry.

This is blowing my mind

2008-06-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

A 140 pound person burns 955 calories in 90 minutes of bikram yoga.

Almost a THOUSAND calories.

In one session of sweaty yoga.

And that's for a skinny person.

I am well above that 140 and that means I burn a whole lot more than a thousand calories.

For one session of sweaty yoga.

Fuck you, swimsuit

2008-06-07T20:25:00.000-07:00

Can you tell me why I put this on today?

It causes a muffin top on the gd model.

Size small coffin, please

2008-05-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

I am little bit concerned about my Splenda consumption. See this photo? This was dinner.

Am I so concerned to actually stop eating so much Splenda? no.

And do you really think aspartame is really going to cause my brain to swiss-cheese?

I am definitely dumber now that I drink gallons of diet soda each day but I don't think I'm any dumber than I would have been anyway thanks to all the vodka and loud music.

What I LOVE is when someone carrying her third can of Red Bull for the day tells me how bad Diet Coke is for me. "That shit will kill you," she says. Really, Ms. Taurine America?

When are you going to Pilates?

Fright Night

2008-05-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

You know how I've lost thousands of pounds recently? I have thousands more to lose. And I'm very concerned I am going to look like this:

And yet I am still not afraid of looking like this:

Did someone doctor this photo? Didn't that stomach used to have a few extra rolls of loose skin?

I'm back!

2008-05-15T23:34:00.000-07:00

Visiting my family is beyond awesome! You know how much I love it there. You know how loving and sensitive they are. You know that this shit sends me straight into the peanut butter cup cycle of doom.

I came out of this experience THINNER.

THEIR FOOD:

MY FOOD:

THEIR DESSERT:

MY DESSERT:

I lost 2.5 pounds.

And I fully expect to be rocking this look in Uruguay 2009:

JJ... I have never had this ass in my whole life.

2008-05-12T08:33:00.000-07:00

And I want it. Because I want to go back to Uruguay in January with that sweet ass.

I should note:

2008-05-03T22:02:00.001-07:00

I wrote this to JJ on Friday:

I ate a chocolate croissant this morning, which is bad enough. After I took my first bite, I realized the chocolate chips they use to make the tasty chocolate filling had not melted down, so it truly looked like a bunch of rabbit poop stored away inside the safe pillow of flaky pastry.

And yet still, I ate it.

Ugh.

-D

I am glad that when JJ hears from me, she thinks of morbidly obese women. See below.

I still love you JJ, even though I think you are telling me I am 3 croissants away from being morbidly obese.

Butter + flour + magic + lard + chicken fat + crisco = croissant

2008-05-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

No Croissants.

Exhibit A: Thursday a very obese woman* sat down next to me at the office cafe with a large croissant and a large stick of butter. She proceeded to rip the croissant in half (top from bottom)and attempted to smear cold, hard butter inside the criossant. After she spread a thick layer of butter into the already buttery croissant she smooshed the top back on the thing and ate it like a hamburger. Cold, oily croissant with an inch of cold butter. I vomited.

Exhibit B: Friday I was getting 2 eggs in the cafe and another very very obese woman sauntered in and ordered her usual, a croissant with sausage, eggs and cheese. The chef whipped up her death sandwich and I watched her waddle away with a deflated croissant drowning in fat. My stomach flipped not just from disgust but from feeling sad for the lady.

Exhibit C: Someone I love dearly recently wrote me that she had a not-for-the-better life changing experience with a chocolate chip croissant,

"After I took my first bite, I realized the chocolate chips they use to make the tasty chocolate filling had not melted down, so it truly looked like a bunch of rabbit poop stored away inside the safe pillow of flaky pastry. "

Do you see what's going on here?

Croissants are just another way the terrorists are winning.

This country is going to pot, one thousand croissant calories at a time.

Kirstie on the left: no croissants

Kirstie on the right: croissants between meals

*I have street cred on the obese thing. So stop before you start.

God broke my knee.

2008-04-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor today because my knee is in serious pain. It's the same pain I've experienced for 10 years but only recently has caused me to actually scale back on my running/soccer.

The good news is that the doctor is CUTE. He's tall and graying and smart.

The bad news is that I'm having an MRI tomorrow and possibly surgery.

The other bad news is that this doctor did NOT ask me to marry him.

The other good news is that if I have surgery I'll get to see him again anyway.

False starts.

2008-04-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

This is how last night went for me:

The Man: Do you want to get Madame K's pizza, or maybe make that marinated steak stuff that we like?
Me: No, both are not really the kind of thing I need to be eating these days.

So we go to the store to buy some kind of healthy dinner and this is what we find at the store:

Whole crabs
Butter
Bigass loaf of French bread with butter and garlic
A WHOLE FUCKING PIE
Ice cream to go with pie
An orange for my Lillet

There you go. Healthy fucking meal.

Presently my urine smells like I live at the Monterey Aquarium, and I feel like the whale that escaped from it.

Might be time to tell Jon, "You know all those other I'm-Gonna-Eat-Better false starts? You gotta help me here, man."

Gratuitous photo of the Patron Saint of Hotness

RantRantRantRant (say it fast, it's fun).

2008-04-26T19:31:00.001-07:00

Let me preface this post by admitting that I am a jealous bitch in 1,000 ways.
I want to be skinny. BAD.

That said, I think getting weight loss surgery sucks. I think it's stupid and I am disgusted by it.

I have lost a shitload of weight in my life. Back and forth, back and forth. I have tried EVERY diet. I lose a little and then gain a little (plus a lot more sometimes). I know exactly how to get skinny. Each time I have gotten fat, it's always been a choice, i.e. "peanut butter cups make a lot better sense to me right now than salads and chicken." I have incredible willpower and yet at the same time, I can be just stupid (and fat.) So, to see someone just give up, go get their stomach stapled and strapped and cut into bits, makes me insane.

Why be such a wiener? Why not just buckle down and fucking DIET? If your brain is so crazy that you can't stick with a diet, any diet/the right diet for you after trial and error, go get some therapy! DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF. Why cut yourself up, undergo the risks of surgery, jack up your body with malnutrition, etc. when you could fix the underlying problem, your brain?

Are you lazy? Truthfully, I am asking you in the kindest way are you just lazy?

You'd think I'd be the most compassionate person in the world and I totally am in so many areas. But this diet surgery makes me fawking inSANE.

Update: Hot, Damn Hot.

2008-04-26T19:19:00.001-07:00

The Wednesday Bikram kicked my ass for 3 days straight.
I went to the class Wednesday night. On Thursday it was hard for me to breathe because all the muscles in my back were on fire when I moved. On Friday it was still hard for me to sit on the toilet because my hamstrings were overstrung and I couldn't squat without a lot of noise. Today, Saturday, things were looking up. I was successfully able to swing myself out of bed without crying.

So I took another class.

Today: it was somehow HOTTER if that's possible. And the people in the class were totally mean and snooty. However, I managed to cry a little less during the class - and yet was sweating more. In fact, I actually had a steady stream of sweat rolling down my neck into the mass of boobs squished into my sports bra and then when I'd lie down, the stream would woosh back from the boobmass onto my neck and the floor.

I have one more class left in my package.

Bring it, yogi!

2008-04-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of good ideas about how to lose weight fast:

1. cut off my hair

2. cut off my arm

3. sweat a lot.

Tonight, for the first time in the history of time, I went to Bikram yoga.

Let me tell you, sister, it was goddamn HOT in there.

And did you know it's not all peaceful and deep breathing and shit? The teacher was sitting in a chair off to the side barking commands at us in one of these air conditoner necklaces I AM SURE

Have I mentioned that it was goddamn hot in there? And that I was sweating like a fat man?(like a man FATTER than I currently am.)

Tomorrow I will be 15 pounds thinner. I guarantee it.

I signed up for 3 more classes.

Happy Birthday

2008-04-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

I went to another fancy birthday dinner this weekend. (People please. Enough with the fancy restaurants already. Take me to Chili's and let's have a blooming onion or something.)
In addition to guzzling a magnum of prosecco, I ordered a salad of mozzarella and tomaotoes and basil because I can pick those things apart and figure out how much I am eating. So, it comes. And, typical, there's an artistic smear of green chunky sauce in the middle of the plate. I ask the gorgeous waiter what it is, might it be pesto?

Gorgeous: no, it's fresh basil.
Me (in my head): bullshit. I see the fresh basil leaves.
Me (outloud): Um, no I mean the green liquidy stuff.
G: ::gone::
Me: (waving Gorgeous back): So, is this like pesto? Is it pine nuts? Because I'm allergic to nuts. I mean, it's not that I don't like nuts. It's that if I eat them I will die. Like, right here at your table. I'll DIE.
Me (in my head): comprende? Jesus! Are you trying to kill me?
G: No no no, it's an aioli of fresh basil.
Me (in my head): bullshit.

Gorgeous goes away. I don't eat. Gorgeous comes back.

G: Oh, I spoke with the chef and now the aioli is made with pesto. Let me take that away and bring you a new one.
Me (in my head): NOW? Just now he's making it with pine nuts?
Me (outloud, sweetly): Oh thank you. I'd hate to die right here during this fancy birthday party.

Seriously, fancy restaurants are great. I love paying a lot of money for delicious food. But I am 50 times more likely to die at one of these places.

D, I love you. Let's go have some tequila for your birthday.

My pants aren't tight anymore, JJ!

2008-04-17T18:51:00.001-07:00

This is what I was thinking after 3 days of eating lots of air and salmon and lettuce. (Mmmmm... air! So good!). So last night I got up from the Official Blogging Sofa and walked over and tried on these cute jeans (they look like the ones above).

And they so didn't fit any better than the last time.

And then it hit me: I had simply stretched out the other jeans.

What the motherfuck?

So there you have it. This is the way God injures me, time and again.

I am pretty sure the whole nightmare looked like this:

Mommy, what's a tummy tuck?

2008-04-17T00:01:00.001-07:00

"It's just my way of saying I hate you and what you did to me, honey."

Read article on new children's book about why mommy is getting plastic surgery HERE.

JJ - Is it just me, or do you ever think, "By the time my body is awesome again, i am just gonna fuck it up hosting some fetus for 9 months."

Oh christ.

2008-04-16T22:56:00.000-07:00

JJ... when you mentioned Turduken in your last post, it got me thinking "I've heard of turduken, know what it is... but I've never seen one..."

Well, this is vile. I would eat grilled rockfish and cauliflower, too, given the option to ever eat this frankenfood.

Remind me to tape this photo to my fridge.

Here's something to cleanse the palate after that eye abuse we just suffered above. Take it away, Patron Saint of Hotness:

Drunkorexia and my dog's eating disorder.

2008-04-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

JJ - You know how the NY Times (or some publication... look, I drink when I read, I can't footnote my whole fucking online life..) recently published an article about women who basically have an eating disorder in which they try to eat, like 10 grapes a day, so that they can spend their calories on booze? (I thought this was just a quirk of mine... I didn't know it was in the Diagnostic & Statisitcal Manual.)

Anyway, my dog has his own version of it. My dog waits until 8:00 to eat, sometimes later, when he's exhausted all hope that he's going to get a secret pile of cheese from me as I make burritos, or maybe leftover chicken from our dinner. He's a fucking pig, that pug.

Do you think I have given Rickey food issues? I hate it when people let their pets get fat. I also hate it when people start to look like their pets. This is going from bad to worse.

So, clearly the answer to this problem is: I need to buy Rickey a treadmill. Pronto.

Anyhoo - - let's get back to these drunk bitches:

Here are the highlights:

Drunkorexia is not an official medical term. But it hints at a troubling phenomenon in addiction and eating disorders. Among those who are described as drunkorexics are college-age binge drinkers, typically women, who starve all day to offset the calories in the alcohol they consume. The term is also associated with serious eating disorders, particularly bulimia, which often involve behavior like bingeing on food — and alcohol — and then purging.

“In the beginning of my eating disorder I wouldn’t touch alcohol because it is so high in calories,” said Ms. Van De Veen, who later found herself regularly hospitalized for dehydration. “But I have the disease of more: I just want more no matter what it is.”

First of all, no one is named Van De Veen, so I think this article is totally fake. Probably written by Ruth Shalit. But whatever.

“The alcohol is probably what kept any weight on me,” she said in an interview late last month at the Renfrew Center, which she entered on New Year’s Eve for eight weeks of treatment.

She just wants to be punched. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE SAYING THAT? JJ - can you imagine me, little D, saying "Wow, remember when I was such a waif and I was dying? Thank god I was into the booze." I am jealous of her drinky diet.

“People are finally beginning to realize that food can function in the same way as drugs and alcohol,” Dr. Evans said.
Um, really? This is as stunning as the timely realization by scientists that cigarettes caused cancer. Way to stay on top of your shit, researchers.

I have been drunkorexic accidentally, and only accidentally. I mean, I have to be pretty drunk to forget to eat. Because the first thing alcohol loosens up are inhibitions, and let me tell you, chicken wings and Taco Bell start to sound really good when you've had that 4th (and deadly) martini.

Read it all HERE.

Fuck Mother Fucking Weight Watchers.

2008-04-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

Turducken! Ha. Yes.

Restaurants. They can never just serve up grilled shrimp, right? It's always got to be "Stuff JJ Can Eat Dipped In Batter, Fried, And Then Stuffed Into A Bloomin' Onion." Lovely.

JJ, my backfat is bothering me. Not just that I *have* it. That bothered me like 3 months ago, so it's old news. It's bothering me MORE. I don't just have that under-bra fold of fat... I have 3 pound chicken cutlets of flesh dangling off of my shoulder blades.

That is fucked up.

Also, I thought I would give Weight Watchers a whirl. What a joke. I signed up and tried to cancel immediately:

I will spare you all 8 email messages I exchanged with them, but thought I would share the best parts:

*************

Dear D,

When you subscribed to Weight Watchers® Online and submitted your payment, you agreed to the terms and conditions set forth in the Subscription Agreement. The individual subscriber is responsible for the terms of their subscription including the price plan under which they are billed. Due to these terms, you are eligible to receive a $18.10 refund.

However, while it is not our policy, customer service is very important to us and we have been authorized to credit your account for $35.05. This credit covers your subscription cost less the non-refundable $29.95 sign-up fee. The Subscription Agreement specifies that the sign-up fee is non-refundable. You should see this credit on your next credit card statement. Your subscriber account has been cancelled effective today.

The sign-up fee gives you access to proprietary information (including explanatory information concerning the Weight Watchers diet), whereas the monthly fee gives you access to the tools and resources to follow the diet on the Web.

Much like a buying a CD, DVD or software, what you purchased is predominantly proprietary intellectual property (the music, the movie or the program). Like many companies who sell these products, our policy is that once you have access to the product, your payment is non-refundable. As we have no way of knowing if or how much of the diet you have used for your personal benefit, we cannot refund the sign-up fee.

By clicking on the link below, you may refer to our subscription agreement for additional inquiries you may have regarding our refund policies.

http://www.weightwatchers.com/legal/subagreement.aspx

Sincerely,
Tracey
Customer Service Associate
www.weightwatchers.com

*****************

Hi Tracey,

I thank you for your help. We have certainly made progress.

As you see from my messages below, I am completely underwhelmed by the service I found on your site. You indicate that you are withholding the $29.95 because "much like a CD" I have somehow accessed magical proprietary information.

I am especially amused by this statement:

"As we have no way of knowing if or how much of the diet you have used for your personal benefit, we cannot refund the sign-up fee." Well, in the less than hour I spent on your site, I realized it had (a) poor user interface. It was hardly intuitive for me to even figure out where to enter my goal weight and (b) it told me nothing about a non-point-counting diet (basically YOUR company's rip-off of Atkins or South Beach) that can't be found here, in its entirety:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_Beach_diet

I hope you and your company understand, I was hoping - PRAYING - for some kind of magical "proprietary" information to help me lose some weight and get into shape. What I found in my less-than-60 minutes of cruising around your site as a member is nothing of the sort. I can't even imagine what this "proprietary" information is on your site.

I would like the full amount refunded. This is the 3rd time I have had to ask. I do not understand why I have to keep asking for this. Why do I get better service from Nordstrom or Lowe's? Even other online subscription services with truly proprietary information have been far more accommodating. If someone tells them "Sorry, but I am underwhelmed by the service you offer," most companies would shrink in embarrassment and simply refund the money.

I have a LOT of time on my hands. Please do not make me use it to waste your company resources in pursuing my full refund. I will.

Kindest regards,
D

Don't mess with a hungry bitch. That's all I'm sayin'.

And you want to know something else?

2008-04-15T21:43:00.001-07:00

I went to a dinner party tonight at a fancy pants French restaurant, Zoe. It had a fabulous menu with all sorts of foods mixed with all sorts of other foods. My problem: I need to eat 4 oz of protein and 8 oz of vegetables. Is there any single thing on the menu that's JUST a single protein? No. Everything is a freaking tur-duck-hen frankenfood.

I thought the server was going to D-I-E that I asked for a simple seared rockfish and simple cauliflower. He was S-H-O-C-K-E-D that I asked to review the cheese plate (for a simple soft cheese protein serving.) It was tres annoying and slightly embarrassing in front of my friends.

Mike ended up having something scallopy with a mix of crazy veggies and lentils (veggies + bean protein = nearly impossible for me to pick apart into a meal I can eat) and my friends had duck and pork.

And you know what, my simple, plain food was fucking FANTASTIC. The fish (without the clam veloute/juice) was so juicy and the cauliflower was so salty and buttery and goddamn fantastic.

The best part: I don't feel like a giant, gorged pig right now.

It's easy to eat this way.

you want me to start this shit? I can start this shit.

2008-04-15T17:29:00.000-07:00

I have an interview tomorrow.
It's with a very self-important Fortune 100-servicing company. It was supposed to be Friday but they are so hot to get someone into the position that we have to interview tomorrow.
And can I fit into any of my suits tonight? NO. Motherfucking NO.
Can I find the jacket to the one brown suit that fits? (and I know how you feel about brown) NO. Do I have to go to a birthday dinner in the next 15 minutes? YES.

And who can we blame for this? Peanut butter cups.