While you're in Italy?

I'm floating my fat ass up to Alaska.

Everyone eats their way through a cruise, right?  Free buffet!  Free desserts!  Nothing to do but lie on a chair and booze it!

NOT ME.

Seeins how I've lost 44 pounds, I am NOT gaining an ounce next week.  I'm not eating one stupid thing on this cruise.  And truthfully, why would I?  I really doubt Holland America is bringing out the super high dollar grade A food for their mass consumption guests.  Why would I want to binge on shit?  And the idea of everyone gorging themselves on food for 7 days straight kinda makes me gag anyway.  I'm going to take the high ground and eat my veggies and my grains and come back THINNER.   Take that, Megan Fox.  I bet you can't get thinner!  

love,

J-to-the-J

I HAVE RIBS!

<---  This is LIV TYLER.  What?  HOW?  I don't know.

btw, bitch, why don't you throw up a post or two?

And you owe me a double date with that hot personal trainer we discussed.

And weren't you going to report back to me on how great your detox is going?

Get ON it.

Is this what 48 years old looks like?

I thought it would be younger for some reason.

She is 117 pounds now.  She lost 140 pounds!  

I did the research (via goog) and discovered that 5'4 and 117 pounds means you get to eat between 1800 and 1900 calories a day.

um, bullshit.  I am maintaining a 1200 to 1300 calorie a day vegan food plan and I AM IN NO DANGER OF BEING 117 POUNDS.

I am thinking about going back to bikram again.  And having my jaw wired shut.  Why doesn't anyone do that anymore?  I would like to offer up some potential candidates to bring back the jaw-wired-shut trend.

urp.

Dude, I am so full I might pop.  

That photo above is baked cauliflower.  

Tonight I ate:

2 Dr. Prager TexMex bean burgers with lettuce and tomatoes

cauliflower baked up in the oven

baked sweet potato cubes  

So.  Full.

Might.  Die.

Low.  Calorie.

The Evolution...

Oh Keely Shaye Smith Brosnan, I feel your pain, girlfriend.    

I might look like this, too.

I refuse to look at myself below the neck.

Is this really 145 pounds of Kirstie Alley?

I expect to look a t lot different at 145.  

Probably more like this, the best I'm going to get...

(Some Cassidy chick in England? Never heard of of her.)

And then I'll get this skinny.  After I'm dead and buried in the ground for 6 months.

And then...

Enjoy!

Reasons to Stay Fat

1.  It's way easier to shave my big round knees.

2.  My wrinkles are nonexistent.  I am plump and YOUNG, bitches.

3.  Stretchy clothes are comfortable.

4.  It feels good to be lazy and park it on the sofa to watch The Biggest Loser.

5.  I don't need a lap - I don't have kids or anything and my dogs are small.

6.  god made Spanx.

Reasons to NOT be Fat

1.  I'd much rather have sex when I'm skinny and no one will be crushed underneath me.

2.  People actually get to SEE my shaved knees, even with scabs, because I will wear hot little skirts.

3.  My $500 over-the-knee boots will fit again.

4.  I like having a JAWLINE.

5.  People confuse me with Angelina Jolie.

6.  Eleventy billion other reasons!!   I am ready to be SKINNY AGAIN.  OHMYGOD.  TAKE AWAY THE FAT ALREADY!   I HATE THIS WAITING GAME!!! 

I love skinny

but NO.

(Seriously LL, rib cage AND a crocheted dress?)

And my heart kind of breaks for the little idiot.

She needs a peanut butter cup and a friend.

Which is more disgusting?

Saggy, hangy skin on my thighs

or

Saggy, hangy skin on my stomach?

Either way, I win.

The product that is going to change my life

I just learned about these Skinny Jeans.  They squeeze you in, carve out inner thighs AND come in sizes up to 18.  

If my husband had a job, I would buy 3 pairs.

http://skinnyjeans.com/html/about.html

Check the proof!  (If *only* I was this skinny)

There are a ton more skinnying photos on their website.

Live Blogging!

Ladies (assuming),  I am getting ready to eat this:

This is green beans fried in 2 tablespoons of olive oil.

I have extremely high expectations of this event.

**Update**

      

     blah.

even with salt.

**UPDATE 2**

Apparently I am drunk because this shit's getting slightly more swallowable.